Sunday, June 27, 2010 . 11:13 PM

what am i?

yea what am i? not who. what am i? who will ever care for a nobody like me? who will ever listen to a nobody like me? who will ever notice a nobody like me? i'm just a nobody and nothing more.

i am nothing, that's what i am.

i don't give a shit no more. whatever i do, i get no appreciation. in your eyes, i'm just nothing, not even worth mentioning.

no one will understand how it feels to be a shadow in everyone's eyes but i do. i've been living a shadow for all these years.

who am i to whine about this? i'm just a nobody.

Saturday, June 26, 2010 . 10:51 PM

have you ever cried in your dreams? i know i have.

twice is number of times i shed a tear in my dreams. in both of my dreams, the same 2 people are involved in it. my late grandparents.

the first dream happened 1 or 2 years ago. i remember sleeping at like 4am and by the time i awoke, i was in tears. the dream goes like this. when my grandparents were still around, for their individual birthdays, my relatives would book a restaurant and invite everyone from the family to celebrate their birthdays. so i was dreaming that it was my late grandmother's birthday and we are at the restaurant as usual. my grandfather told me to wish my grandmother happy birthday, so i did. as i was walking to her, i began to remember that they have already past away. before i could walk to her, i awoke from that dream, lying in bed in tears.

the second dream happened just 2 days ago, on my 18th birthday. this dream i remember it very vaguely. i slept at 2am the previous night and like the first dream, i was in tears when i awoke. all i can remember from that dream is that my grandmother was in front of me, talking to me. then, i awoke from that dream and in tears. i lay on my bed, closing my eyes, thanking them and telling them that i've grown up because of their love and care.

Friday, June 25, 2010 . 12:12 AM

18 and 1 day old.

yup. it has cross 12am. it's over. the day of pain and suffering is over. another 364 days to the next one.

P.S. by the way, happy birthday to my dog. he is one year older now and today is his day.

-1 more day.

Thursday, June 24, 2010 . 1:59 AM

i'm officially 18.

18 is just a number. my heart still is the same as before. nothing much has change.

0 more days.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010 . 7:14 PM

turning 18. good thing? bad thing?

i'm just hours away from turning 18. it has been 18 years of suffering and pain with a little pinch of joy. shan't write more about it. all i can say is, whoever that is reading this, please don't wish me. i just wanna this day to go by like a normal day, nothing special. so please don't wish me. it's not an happy occasion in the first place.

1 more day.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010 . 12:38 AM

it's official. i'm a retarded idiot.

what have i ever done in life that is right? come to think of it, nothing. i make the stupidest mistakes, even my birth is a mistake. i even make mistakes in doing the simplest of things. example, talking to people.

2 more days.

Monday, June 21, 2010 . 4:28 PM

it's my fault. it always is.

why can't i get things right? why does everything goes wrong? why am i here?

so many questions, so little answers.

3 more days.

Saturday, June 19, 2010 . 3:01 PM

my biggest mistake.

everything in my life is a mistake. i being born is already a mistake. once a mistake done, it can't be undone. it is permanently etch into the person's mind.

5 more days.

Friday, June 18, 2010 . 1:24 PM

who am i the one who calls the shots?

trying to understand me is like opening pandora's box. there's only 1 small glimpse of hope in me and the rest are pain and suffering.

6 more days.

Thursday, June 17, 2010 . 1:58 PM

everything is screwed for me.

i don't understand anything around me. my studies, friends and even myself.

7 more days.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 . 9:17 AM

is this Déjà vu?

everything is just repeating itself all over again. when will it end?

8 more days.

Monday, June 14, 2010 . 1:56 PM

what's on my mind? i have no idea.

chaos, disaster, disarray, disorder, pandemonium, turmoil, confusion, catastrophe, failure and tragedy. that's going through my mind right now.

9 more days.